Evolution is Real...My Retraction

I must sincerely apologize for my blog post last week in which I critically and unapologetically accused Evolutionary Theory as being false.  After much researching, I did find the following article to suggest that Evolution is indeed proven, is not fantasy, and does exist.  Again, my apologies.

– Sincerely, Obnoxious Guy

PROOF OF EVOLUTION IS NO LONGER FANTASY

Obnoxious Press, December 30, 2014

In breaking news for the scientific world today, a laboratory team has successfully performed catastrophic multi-gene mutation thereby solving a long-standing mystery of evolutionary theory.  In what was known as, “Project Turnip”, a common garden turnip has been evolved into a human being in the first-known catastrophic cross-species mutation.  What would normally take millions or billions of years, now only takes a few hours in a specially designed laboratory.

“We now have proof of evolution.  The implications are astounding,” says world-famous scientist, Dr. Evil, and team leader of the group.  “I now have a whole bag of ‘shhhh’ for all those wacky anti-science nay-sayers.  In over 150 years of searching, we have finally produced the first observable evidence of catastrophic cross-species evolution.  It was like the Universe finally threw me a freakin’ bone!  This technology will revolutionize MY world…. ummm, I mean, our world.”  According to Dr. Evil, Project Turnip is just the beginning.  Their next project will be to incorporate his DNA into a peanut’s genetic make-up.   This mutation will be known as ‘Project Mini-Me’.

To develop this breakthrough in biological science, new technology had to be developed.  Traditionally, biologists would use viral RNA manipulation of DNA to transform the organisms.  However, this technology is very limited.  Too many DNA manipulations kill the host organism; thereby, making evolution into other species just not possible.

“For over 100 years, we’ve always been taught that there’s a lab somewhere in which scientists evolve new species every day in a test tube.” – Dr. Harry Potter

“All the work scientists have done in trying to prove evolution has instead proven the contrary, that evolution is non-existent,” says team member Dr. Harry Potter.  “For over 100 years, we’ve always been taught that there’s a lab somewhere in which scientists evolve new species every day in a test tube.  I’m like, really?  I’d like to work for that lab!  I was disappointed when I found out that such a lab does not exist.  All this time, I thought evolution was established scientific fact?  Imagine my excitement when I was recruited to be a part of the first ever successful evolutionary experiment, Project Turnip!”

Dr. Harry Potter’s contribution to this experiment was critical.  The experiment required a single turnip cell to be suspended and isolated before its transformation could occur.  This initially was performed using a complex array of lasers, a procedure commonly used in quantum physics experiments.  The cell must also be frozen and magnified for precise nano-instruments to work within the cellular membrane at the molecular level.  This proved not only expensive, but challenging for modern science.  The sub-zero temperatures are very hard on the living cells.  And, precise alignment of the lasers has been challenging because of what Dr. Evil referred to as, “humping of the lasers”.   Dr. Potter was able so solve all of these problems.  “It was rather easy.” says, Dr. Harry Potter.  “Once ready, I would wave my wand and chant a series of spells.  The cell would levitate, freeze in place, and then enlarge.”

Another team on the project was Team Tinkerbell.  An unlikely group of pixie fairies, their job included the delicate manipulation of the DNA.  This manipulation required precise severing of the DNA molecule only possible with magical pixie dust.  Once the cell was prepared by Dr. Potter, it was rebuilt into a human cell by Team Tinkerbell.

Dr. Pan with Team Tinkerbell

Unfortunately, like all other experiments with significant mutation, the host organism died.  It became apparent that a new method of incubation would be required for the host to survive.  Team Tinkerbell advised that the research group bring in specialists, in particular specialists in cellular aging.  “We were excited to be a part of this new breakthrough,” says Dr. Peter Pan of Team Pan.  “With degradation of the cell occurring so fast, we set up a special incubation lab in our home town of Neverland.  Here, the cell could grow without ever aging.  And, it worked!”

“This work now proves once and for all that evolutionary theory is factual and not some fairy tale.” – Dr. Bruce Banner

The final result of the team’s collaborative work is the first successful laboratory mutation showing “missing-link” evolution.  These “missing links” have always been elusive for evolutionists and many have thought them to be a fantasy.  “This work now proves once and for all that evolutionary theory is factual and not some fairy tale,” says world renowned scientist, Dr. Bruce Banner, also known as The Hulk.  “Those who have dismissed evolution as fantasy now finally have proof that they’re wrong.  I live mutation every day.  It is real.  It angers me that people have dismissed our science for so long.  That makes me mad!  Real mad!  Hulk smash!  Aaaarrrrggghhhh!”  Dr. Banner was no longer available for further comments.

Because of their success, the research teams of Potter, Tinkerbell, and Pan, led by Dr. Evil, have been renamed as the Dream Team.  Evolution is no longer a fantasy…it is indeed real.  Initially, the Dream Team’s next research project was to evolve a tadpole into a crocodile; but, Dr. Captain Hook on Team Pan was adamant against it.  For now, Dr. Evil is pleased that project “Mini-Me” will be their next experiment.